** written July 4, 2012
(Yes, this is old news, but it took me some time before I wanted to post it.)
In our minds we plan out how we think life should be and inevitably we are taken on some sort of detour. At times the detour is far more beautiful and exciting than our original plan and sometime the road is much more rocky.
Today is the fourth of July and our lives have taken a slight detour today. Justin and I have know for weeks that we are expecting our 7th child. We haven't even told our kids because we wanted to wait until after my first doctors appointment. Two days ago I started lightly bleeding on and off. Today when I woke up I had cramps and passed a blot clot. At that point I knew the day wasn't going to turn out as planned. I called a doctor and he said unless I had an increase of bleeding I could go about my daily activities and just have the doctor check me tomorrow when they were open. I started making lunches so that we could go to the zoo as a family. As the cramping and bleeding got worse we decided that I should go to the hospital to be checked and have Justin take the kids to the zoo.
We called all the kids together and explained that I was pregnant, but that we thought I was having a miscarriage and we talked about it as a family. Then I headed to the hospital and Justin took the kids to the zoo. (I don't feel bad that I had to take myself to the hospital, it was a lot easier than bringing six kids to the ER with us :)
The doctor at the hospital did a pelvic exam, ultrasound, and blood work. They confirmed what I already assumed. I was 9 weeks along. From the ultrasound they determined that the baby measured 7 weeks. There was no heartbeat. I am waiting to have the miscarriage.
Emotionally I was actually fine in the hospital. When I got in the car to drive home, after being in the hospital for 2 hours and 45 minutes, I thought about the new bunk beds that we bought yesterday and realized that we won't need the crib for awhile and that is when I started to cry. In "our plan" we have always had our kids less than or about two years apart. When our youngest is about two they are potty trained and move to a bed so that the new baby can have the crib. We are thinking about potty training and moving Ellie to a big girl bed. I will miss having the crib filled by a baby.
When I have a new baby I have always been blessed to know if there is another yet to come. After Ellie I had the same feeling. I love having our kids close in age so I am disappointed that this time it isn't, "my plan."
I know other people look at me and think, "How can you be sad about having a miscarriage, you already have six kids." I understand that. In fact I remember when I was growing up and my parents wanted to have another baby and I didn't understand why they weren't happy with the four kids that they already had, but they knew there was another spirit waiting to come. She did come when I was 16 and she taught me the greatest lesson. She was worth the wait.
I guess it is times like this when you realize that we are not in control at all. It is up to the Lord. We are only here to do his will. I plan to enjoy this road. Even though it isn't the road I planned on, I know that there is something to see and learn from this journey through life.
August 30, 2012
The Sunday after the miscarriage I was sitting in church during the sacrament and feeling disappointed that we weren't going to have a new baby. I thought about the atonement and how Christ died for us and can heal us. I have felt his healing power in my life. My burden has been made light and I am so grateful for this time in my life. I am grateful for strength, energy, and time to enjoy the sweet kids we do have. I feel happy knowing that God knows more than I know and his timing is better than mine.
